Gold, Frankenstein & Myrrh

Or at least that's what Sophia thinks : )

We've been soaking up the holidays lately. We have so much to be thankful for and are celebrating each and every second we can with our beautiful, happy girls.

Here are just a few photos from some of our recent events...

Thanksgiving: There should be a ton of pictures of GG & G celebrating with us but it appears they escaped all of the photos. Sneaky.

Holiday party with all of the Nounas & Nounos (Godparents) and Godchildren!

Playing with the train after decorating the Christmas tree (a big one this year!!!).

Gingerbread House making night:

Christmas concert at pre-school:

Visit to see Santa (clearly not a favorite for one of them ; ):

And to think we still have over two weeks of fun to be had!!! We are SO blessed!

Love & Loss

Not in a million trillion years would I have anticipated sitting down to write these words. I'm still not completely sure why I'm doing it now. I suppose it just feels like something I need to do. For me, for anyone who may have already or who will in the future go through what we just have.

On Wednesday after finding out the devastating news I came home and quickly gathered up everything and anything that would remind me of the last 9 weeks and a life that was not to be. I couldn't bear to see any of it. Not then, not ever. Yet here I am writing down words that I plan to send out into a world where anyone can see. Words that my girls will surely read someday. Words that I cannot erase. I don't know why. Perhaps it's because when my mom came to town that night she asked me why everything had to be a secret. Not her nor I knew of many losses our own cousins/sisters/aunts had endured over the years. But why? Why did I not want anyone to know? Perhaps because it would make it real? But it is real. Perhaps because I would have to endure the pity in their eyes? But I feel pitiful and awful. Perhaps because if I saw them it would make me cry when they hugged me? But I'm already crying. Perhaps because it would be easier to pick up the pieces and move on if no one knew? Maybe. Maybe that's it. Just ignore it and it will go away, right?

I don't know the answers to any of this. I know that I'm more sad then I've ever been in my life. I know that my heart aches in a way I never knew possible. I know that I might cry every day for weeks or perhaps longer. But, I also know that I feel so incredibly grateful. When I went to bed last night after a long day at the hospital I prayed as I always do. I thanked God. I thanked Him for my children. I thanked Him for my amazing husband who got on the first plane home from California to be with us. I thanked Him for my parents for driving all day and night to get my mom to me as quickly as possibly. I thanked Him for the wonderful nurses and doctors that were so nice and caring. I thanked Him for my friends, with whom I can't imagine life without. The friends that have taken care of my children when I could not, the friends who left messages of love and support. The friends whose hugs were more healing then I ever thought possible. I thanked Him for the baby that though I was never to hold, would always live in my heart.

We did not tell the girls. I am thankful for that as I could not endure Sophia's loss as well as my own. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that someday I would like them to read this. To know that it's okay to talk about our sadness. It's okay to let others in and not keep secrets. I don't want them to be fearful of feeling. I can't imagine how else we would heal.

I honestly don't know how many people or if anyone reads this blog other then my parents. I don't care really. I'm doing this for my girls. For myself. For Taki. I know it will take time. That each day will bring it's own set of successes and challenges (don't they all!). But together we will become stronger. We will continue to celebrate our blessings rather than complain of our losses. We will cry so that we may see more clearly what is really important. We will look towards the windows that have been opened, not the door that has been closed.

We won't, however, ever forget you, our little baby. We will love you even if you are not here with us. Forever and ever.

Banter with Children

Oh Sophia, I can't wait until you are old enough to giggle as much at our conversations as I do. Here are just a couple excerpts from only yesterday (keep in mind, she can only hear out of one ear right now and I've almost lost my voice (and subsequent patience) completely.

S-Mommy, can I take this cotton out of my ear?

M-Not yet. We need to make sure the medicine stays in longer.

S-But then I'm going to go to school and all the kids are going to say I look funny and really, Mommy, it's not that funny.

S-Mommy, I love you SOoooo much.

M-I love you too Soph. I would love it even more if you would eat your lunch so we're not late for school.

S-But mommy, I love you from my heart....JUST as you are.

M-You've been watching way too many princess movies.

S-I can't wait to put up ornaments on the Christmas tree.

M-Me too, but we have a few weeks to wait until it's time.

S- Huh?

M-repeat above

S-Huh?

M- (strained) I can't talk any louder! My voice is gone!

S-What about boys and dogs????

More Fall Fun!

More cider mills! More apple pies! More trick-or-treating! More GG visits!

Yes please!!! (or as Evi would say, Uh Huh PEAS!!!)

Girl's Night Out!!! Woot!!!

Bet you didn't guess it included dancing princesses & cotton candy. Oh, but it did. It did. And might I say, it was still quite fabulous.

Apples, Pumpkins & Cider Oh My!

We've spent the last few weeks hitting all our our favorite fall haunts : ) Number one was a trip with the Fishers to the cider mill for apple and pumpkin picking. The following day the girls whipped together a couple of their world-famous tough-crusted apple pies : ) It was unseasonably warm and the first time we've ever worn shorts to the cider mill!

Nanny Jessi's Wedding!

We had a wonderful time celebrating Jessi & Randy's wedding earlier this month. Jessi babysits the girls, several of their friends and is Luke & Wyatt's full time nanny. She's amazing and the kids LOVE her to pieces! Unfortunately I forgot my camera for the ceremony and don't have photos of Luke as the ringbearer but still managed to snag a few photos from the reception.

Our 18 Monther

Dear Evi,

I'm sorry mommy is not keeping up as well as I did with your sister. Believe me, I feel guilty about it almost daily. Will that admission keep you from harassing me for it when you are a teenager? Probably not, but it was worth a try : ) Love you little bean!

Weight- 22lbs, 13oz

Height - 32 1/4"

So get this, she weighs less and is taller then Sophia at 18 months. How? I do not know because I could have sworn that Soph was still tiny at that age. I think my swiss cheese brain not only looses memories through the holes but it also alters them, skews them and then flips them

around. See, now this is why I have a blog. Not for anyone but my tired old self.

Evi's vocabulary is expanding by the day. It's still a little tough to understand but she has some favorites...like "CHEESE" when she is having her photo taken or taking one with the play camera. She's also a huge fan of "NO". Her yes is actually a "Uh, huh" and when she poops she comes to you and whispers gibberish while pulling at her pants. Darling. She also loves to mock me. I can't tell if it's love and admiration by way of copying, or just plain mean pre-teen like tendencies : ) Let's see, what else...she is still perfecting her scowl (see below) but has the cheesy grin down pat. She loves to dress up in Sophia's dress up clothes and do anything her big sis is doing. She is still quite determined and hard headed but also hysterical and silly too. I'm excited to see what's up next for our little bean.

Here We Go Again!

Much to our surprise (after the fatefull, non dancing recital), Sophia decided she wanted to take ballet again this year. Thus far, she is WAY more into it this year and enjoying every second. We passed all of her old leotards on to Kelsey and she is sporting a whole new "line". Perhaps she's more excited about the dancewear then the actual dancing...hmmmm....